Little Diddling Borough Council has banned kilograms and metres as "an un-British French invasion," though Trading Standards says it has no power to do so.

By Our Local Government Correspondent · 27 October 2026 · Politics

Little Diddling Borough Council has voted overwhelmingly to ban the metric system, declaring kilograms and metres to be “an un-British French invasion of our high streets,” in a historic victory for common sense, nostalgia, and severe mental arithmetic.

Starting Monday, local shopkeepers face fines unless all prices, weights, and measures are immediately converted back to the Imperial system, alongside several even finer medieval traditions.

Council Leader Sir Arthur Pendelton, speaking outside the town hall while holding a brass yardstick, hailed the decision as a triumph for national identity.

“For far too long, the people of this borough have been oppressed by the cold, soulless logic of tens and hundreds,” Pendelton declared. “Why buy a boring 500-gram loaf of bread when you can demand a loaf weighing precisely three-quarters of a pound, two drams, and a scruple? It’s good for people to have to work it out for themselves, and since nobody can, nobody can tell how much prices have risen.”

Under the new regulations, greengrocers will price potatoes per stone, butchers will sell sausages by the ounce, and pubs will be legally required to serve ale exclusively by the pot, the firkin, or the hogshead (approximately 52.5 imperial gallons, or “one very good Friday night”).

To ensure full historical authenticity, the council’s Trading Standards department has also reintroduced several long-neglected medieval units:

• Distances: All road signs will be updated from miles to furlongs and chains. Land boundaries will be surveyed strictly in rods, poles, or perches.
• Fabrics & Tailoring: Local haberdasher Stitch & Co. must now sell ribbon by the ell (45 inches) and velvet by the finger (4.5 inches).

Local business owners have met the change with a mixture of bewilderment and panic.

“I’m a baker, not a Tudor mathematician,” said Dave Higgins, owner of Higgins’ Bakes. “Yesterday a customer asked for two furlongs of tinfoil and half a peck of flour. I’ve had to hire a full-time monk just to do my tills.”

However, local traditionalists remain unfazed. “If 12 inches was good enough for King Henry VIII, it’s good enough for my weekly shop at Tesco,” remarked resident Harold Finch, 82. “The French can keep their decimals. Give me sixteen drams to the ounce any day. You know where you are with a dram.”

National Trading Standards confirmed that councils have no power to ban metric units and that the fines are “unenforceable.” Pendelton said he was “aware of the law,” adding that the stocks “do not require legislation.”

The council has confirmed that any shopkeeper caught using a measuring tape marked in centimetres will be placed in the town parish stocks for a period of no less than two candle-burnings.